you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
