i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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