the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
