Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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