I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
