I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
