so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
