the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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