All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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