I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
what day is it and did you see me today?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize