shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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