I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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