Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
