I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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