I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
