I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
