Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
