I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
