Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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