i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize