remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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