my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there was a trapeze. enough said
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
