Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
