why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
