If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
