Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
