Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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