I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
