The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize