Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
