the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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