I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
