a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize