I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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