somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize