I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
