i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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