I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
