my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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