Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
