you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
