thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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