I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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