first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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