Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
