I could have mohawked her pubes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
