you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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