Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize