oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
porn star boner night. come get it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
