haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
