I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
