Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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