I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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