my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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