Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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