He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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