The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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